Tuesday, April 13th, 2004
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7:24 pm - Fairless
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Yet another short piece about one of my clients.
Fairless
Give me your smile
And I’ll show you starving eyes
Piercing through the window, wanting you to sympathize
Cradle me in soft words, and praise me for nothing that I’ve done
Please father my weakness
Point me in a safe direction
And make sure you’re watching
I know that no one wants me
I want you to love me
I want you to hold me
I just want to feel like I do when I smile while I’m dreaming
I’m trying to feel this healing
I want to
I want to feel this moving on
Cradle me in soft words and father my weaknesses
Push me gently in the best direction
And make sure your watching
current mood:  blah
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Monday, March 8th, 2004
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2:11 am - womb
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my sleep pattern is all fucked from the non stop party weekend, and the large amount of black haus i consumed. so i am awake when i don't want to be. i hate waking up and getting pulled from my dreams just because i know on the outside i want a drink of water. i can hear it in my dreams. my own voice ringing out across the scene going "dude, you want water. so wake up." and after waking up to get the water. i am up. this is one of the many joys of having a sleep disorder. but anway, when the house is still and quiet, i take a little puff of the magic tree, just cause i want to, and i start writing. whatever comes out. and i post it for you all to read.
womb
drifting and not too far from sleeping
put the pressure away
tuck it under a blanket
make sure to stay warm and away from nightmares
leaving you cold and confused
this feels so real
this feels as if I may never wake up
after dimming the world
i exhale smoke
and i see familiar faces
shake hands with representations
of parts of me forgotten
parts of me that were asleep within a dream
now they want to play
now they want to in some way tell me something about myself
the train of shadows
the garden made with wilted flowers
the dead come back to taunt you
they won't be there when you wake up
after dimming the world
i see dead familiar faces
we share imaginary moments in the strangest of places
in parts of me forgotten
now they want to play
now they want me in someway to admit to myself
in only so many words and ghostly gestures
thank you for reading.
current mood:  awake
current music: l.a.i.n. - Navi - DVD
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Saturday, March 6th, 2004
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12:19 am - i was completely unaware
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i am totally drinking right now!
B an is in the bathroom pukin!
hee hee (sorry man)
so i wrote somethin because i was left drunk and by myself!
- didn't see it coming up to choke me -
She reminds me of redemption
I can't find solice in my own pattern of thinking, so do you mind if I borrrow and make love to yours for a while?
Assuming I can do it justice.
Pretending I can live you to your expectations.
Calm down and wipe the sleep from your eyes now!
I'm doing quite fine.
She reminds me of temptation
I can't find a fix in these moments I waste all by myself, so how about we make amends and make love and forget about tomorrow?
Assuming I can do it justice.
Overwhelming your presumptious expectations.
Arch back and wipe the sweat from your mind now!
We're quite fine.
I ... have been ... honest ...
I ... make way ... for anything ...
I make sure everything is shining ....
So you can see yourself ...
And hopefully I will be standing next to that reflection!
All ... I wanted ... was for you ... to try ...
To ... give in ... and let me decide ...
If even just for a while
I'd like to be heard ... despite all this noise ...
She reminds me of desperation
She reminds me of complications
She reminds me of over compensation
She reminds me of myself
current mood:  cheerful
current music: A Perfect Circle - the Hollow - Mer de Noms
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Sunday, February 29th, 2004
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12:59 am - Can't buy me love
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I am most happy with the following. I sat down and said to myself. Write non-stop for 5 minutes. Stop. See what happens. Think of something for 5 minutes and write it all down. Just one thing. Stop. You always write about love and relationships, what if you were someone who couldn't find those things for yourslef, but could afford to buy it? What if you looked to strangers to fill your voids? Write about that for 5 minutes. See what happens. Stop.
- from the beginning -
I'm tired of crawling over you after you're spent, dumb and still feeling like anti gravity.
So where did I place the payment and why are my pockets being emptied?
If you are ready to jump ship, and pack it in but still leaving me feeling bottled up ...
Then just what am I paying for?
So I suppose I've overshadowed your expectations?
Just what were you expecting after you'd known I've lately been such a friend of desperation?
It's better if you just fill the hollow and disappear just like my fleting inspiration.
We both know what this was!
Making love ...
Keeping secrets ...
And putting to use a fetish that's been lurking in my imagination
We both new what this was!
Limbs tangled
Hopes removing
Hair disheveled
Disconnect and take this!
We both knew what this was!
Making love ...
Promising nothing ...
Giving and taking ...
Trading our offerings ...
Vulnerable!
Vulnerable and welcoming ...
We both knew that this was!
So why am I still left feeling empty?
current mood:  weird
current music: the shining - DVD
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Thursday, February 26th, 2004
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2:03 am - such music
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I've been writing a lot lately, but nothing that I've been comfortable with calling complete. I might be hitting one of those mental road blocks again. I just haven't felt inspired lately, and by inspired I mean overly happy, anxious, I've certainly been angry, but nothing worth puttiong through the ol poetic meantal meat grinder and putting into internal song. I don't know, I feel like I'm in limbo, like I'm waiting for something to happen. I hide from things a lot I've noticed. i don't embrace things that need to be taken care of, like medical bills, or a new job search - stuff that needs to be done. Nope, instead I sqeek by each day and try to think about only the things that make and keep me happy. I've noticed this past week like I don't even feel like I'm at work anymore. Like I'm there, but not mentally. My clients voices, well some of them, are beginning to give me headaches. (Particularly Mary and Mikes. But I'll deal.
So yeah, none of what I've written up top is about what this next ones about.
I just opned my head up, and typed whatever decided to spill out.
And when I felt it was over. I stopped.
- such music together
There you are all poised and smiling
So proud of what you've left bleeding
Beating and spilling with broken arrows pierced and hanging
Sipping and drinking
You make me sick with the way you're apparently becoming drunk on what you deem as victory.
Is all this stabbing supposed to mean something?
Since when does this heart and world revolve around you?
I suppose it's time I start walking backward.
I suppose it's about that time to distance myself.
So creative with your words I almost believed you.
So imaginative I almost convinced myself it was worth crawling back to you.
There you are all raring and anxious
There you are all poised and smiling
Here I am with salt in my eyes and knives in my back
Even from a distance I can still feel you turning them
I keep finding reasons hold you down
My fists and your chest should be together
Making beautiful music
Such beautiful music
current mood: weird
current music: nothin by the sounds in my head
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Monday, February 16th, 2004
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8:00 pm - The meaning of static poetry
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I wrote something tonight inspired by a few things. For one, the title obviously is also my journal name. This writing has a lot to do with why I chose this identity for my 'creative' optional journal. But mostly it's about music. About songs that seem to grab you and hold you down and choke you with how amazing they can sound. Has the force and driving power of some music just allows you to forget and fall into a transe like state - just swaying and moving to the rhythm. Hypnotized, breathless.
Then on the other hand you have your generic shit spawn of some government approved rock n roll. Played out of the local music station again and again. it loses meaning, it becomes boring, the artist is only singing what they were given, or rather were forced to write because they needed a single. Garbage. Disposable auditory experiences. Summer jams.
The following is my artist's conception of these two things versus eachother emotinally.
- static poetry -
When you hear that song …
It sings like a siren in the river …
Calling you toward the water …
Waiting and willing to drown you in her beauty …
The spiral’s never ending
Your footfalls begin to form a pattern
With your eyes closed
The glow of you moving outward
Becoming so blinding
Becoming so explosive
Like the lullaby of white noise
Lost in the fog of sound and undeniably soothing myself
I saw you on the TV
Unoriginal and empty
Serenading the masses with another’s emotions
A puppet missing strings
But still being pulled to do a dance inspired by another’s reflection
When you hear that song …
It soothes like a siren in a river …
Bringing you toward the water …
Waiting and wanting to submerge you in her beauty …
The rhythm’s expanding
Your footfalls begin to break the pattern
With your eyes closed
The glow of you moving outward
Becoming so blinding
Becoming so explosive
Like a lullaby of white noise
Lost in the fog of sound and falling prey to its static poetry
I saw you on the TV
I was numb to you
As I was lost in static poetry
current mood:  accomplished
current music: nothin but the TV
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3:47 pm - Marooned
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What is my fasincation or obsession with writing things that revolve around water or drowning? I suppose it's jus great imagery, and certainly a sensation that can be described in so many different ways. It just never seems to get old for me, and I can always find a new line to give it another spin so it sounds new and brings with it a new identity. So yeah ... I wrote again last night.
- marooned -
You come on like a shadow falling over ...
like a will after the enemy corrupts the truth ...
spins a web and sings a song and makes with eyes that hypnotize ...
paralyzed and hating and kissing each bullet that makes me sleep a little softer!
Just when did you wake up?
Just when did you leave?
Was this a calculated time for you to learn of revelation?
I suppose I should have known when I saw the fear in your eyes.
And so now I'm swimming ...
And the water feels cold and it's pushing ...
My current state of mind is treading ...
As I'm sifting and staring at drifting shores.
There doesn't seem to be a reason.
Perhapsw this repeatitive sensation of floating would feel better ...
If falling toawrd the ocean floor.
Just when did you wake up?
Just when did you leave?
Was this a calculated emergence of revelation?
I suppose I should have known when I saw the fear in your eyes.
Perhaps I should have known from how you've made me cry and ocean.
That you'd leave me here to drown alone and die ...
As we die.
Perhaps I should have known.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: me going to get food now
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Sunday, February 15th, 2004
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12:00 am
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HAPPY VALENTINES DAY!
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Saturday, February 14th, 2004
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11:55 pm - from the bottom of my heart
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I wrote a little something in honor of this day ... take away from it what you will, I'm not too sure how this one is supposed to make any sense. = P
- valentine -
Welcome to the blood.
Welcome to a good story.
This reminds me of cinematic moments.
It all plays out ... but where it all makes sense seems to skip a frame.
The pattern is out of focus ...
And each path is treturous ...
But all I can do from here is listen ...
At least not until you hint at inviting me in.
Momentarily I let go ...
My guard invisible.
While any form of mask proves to be unconvincable.
I lay here naked and disposable!
Will you hold me so I can hear your heart sing.?
Or will you pass by like a whispered lullaby?
I'm not your fool on strings ...
<3<3<3 - fin <3<3<3
One another note ... I'm having a nice day with Mish. I'm glad that I was able to be with someone that I care about today. Makes this holiday easier to tolerate. =)
current mood: grateful
current music: Looney Tunes - Bugs Bunny Disc
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Thursday, February 12th, 2004
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3:20 am - My Butterfly of Doom !!!
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Yeah. So I draw with Crayola Crayons, and soon with those and Prisma Pencils.
But for now ....
By the way, this is the drawing the little girl pointed at in the doctor's office and said ... "oh she's pretty."
That made me feel so good.
The beautiful and always helpful ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) annabelevil set me up with the link.
Thanks!
current mood: loved
current music: Fencer of Minerva - The Encounter
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Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
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7:03 pm - From a mouth of a boy like me
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This is about sex.
I like sex.
Don't you?
- of skin and moments -
Swimming in an ocean of fluid.
Sorting through complications and …
Blinded by even a soft exposure.
You’re so bright.
You make the weak turn to ashes.
Then nature breathes a sigh of relief …
And the fault line breeches into a smile.
Opening wide and swallowing our hopes in one motion.
Making love in silence.
Being ever so careful not to break it.
Alarming the world of our selves engulfed in darkness …
As we share each other’s relief within these moments.
As the euphoria surfaces …
And the oceans swell up around us.
We both reach up.
All stretched out.
Arched and in heaven.
Dizzy and cascading in adrenalin.
Drunk on your skin and perspiration.
The ocean caving in around me.
The ocean’s caving in around us.
Smile and let it swallow.
current mood:  artistic
current music: some news thing on ABC
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2:23 am - Lyrical visuals of my backround
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You'll be given love
You'll be taken care of
You'll be given love
You have to trust it
Maybe not from the sources
You have poured yours
Maybe not from the directions
You are staring at
Twist your head around
It's all around you
All is full of love
All around you
'All is Full of Love section by Bjork
current mood: productive
current music: Toy Story - DVD
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